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Aoife

Witty Little Knitter

I read fantasy, crime, true crime, lgbt-romance and books written by my favourite comedians. List not necessarily complete.
Sometimes I write for Bibliodaze

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Jim Bradbury
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Michael Grusemann, Leo Tolstoy
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DNF: Review: No Boundaries

No Boundaries - Donna K. Ford

I made it 12% into this. Let me sum up what happened up to that point:

 

Andi: I have moved in this little town in the middle of nowhere because of a Traumatic Experience(TM) in my past. I will not go into further detail about this, yet.

 

Gwen: I am just moving in this little town in the middle of nowhere because back home bad things happened in my last relationship and my girlfriend betrayed my horribly. I will also talk about how I didn't really look for anything serious and had lots of one-night-stands. How does this fit together? Who cares?

 

Gwen moves in. Gwen has a huge dog. Andi is going for a walk and passes Glen's house where the dog, who is just hunting a squirrel knocks her down.

Gwen: Oh shit. I am so sorry. Just let me see if you've got any bad injuries and treat the scratches you got from falling down.

Gwen's and Andi's hands touch. The touch is so awesome that a horde of unicorns materializes, three rainbows appear in the sky, violins start playing and Andi almost orgasms.

 

Gwen and Andi: Wow!

Gwen: I am really sorry about my dog. Also I would like to make it up to you and invite you to a drink or something like that. 

Andi: OH NO! I CANNOT HAVE CLOSENESS WITH ANYBODY BECAUSE OF REASONS! I must act like a jerk and tell her that I don't want to have anything to do with her!

Gwen: WTF? Look, I'm sorry if I did anything wrong but that was really only meant as an apology and because I don't know anybody here and would like to meet people.

Andi: Oh that was all so hot but I only bring bad things to people I'm close to and I cannot risk this. I will act like a jerk again.

Gwen: WTF? Well, all-right, if you don't want to just go.

 

*~*

 

Andi and Gwen meet again.

Gwen: Hi, I still have not quite grasped the meaning of the word 'No' and so I will try to apologize again and ask you out again.

Andi: Fuck off! (Even though it hurts to say that! LOOK AT ME SUFFERING!)

Gwen: So you're not interested, then?

Andi: I will tell you to fuck off again, while I'm secretly angsting like crazy because of reasons I still don't want to explain.

 

Then there's a strange community-thing where basically the whole town meets up and clears out some of the trash from the streets/forest/nature. A wild cardboard-cutout appears!

CC: Hello! I'm vaguely related to one of the people who life here. I will now go and hit on Gwen.

Gwen: Oh. I totally wanted to leave the life of one-night stands behind me and search for twu luv, so I'm not going to react to her flirting.

Andi: OH NO! That is CC! She will jump on anybody who's not fast enough and now she's hitting on Gwen! Oh why does watching that hurt so much? Oh woe is me!

Gwen: literally 5 minutes ago I said I wasn't interested but now I have suddenly changed my mind and won't do anything to discourage her from flirting with me.

Andi: Oh woe is me!

Almost the right name

 

Of course CC and Gwen end up in the same trash-collecting group and Andi has to be the leader. They go somewhere, everybody gets a whistle, they should blow if they run in any trouble.

 

Andi: Angsting

A whistle is blown

Andi: OH MY GOD!!! MY SPIDEY SENSES ARE TELLING ME THAT THIS HAS TO COME FROM GWEN! Oh she is probably dead or dying somewhere! Oh I should have taken more care. The fact that it could be something like a twisted ankle where she would need help but is not in any mortal danger won't even cross my mind (or that I could have come from somebody else)

But of course it is Gwen, well it's Gwen blowing the whistle because CC stepped on some bees and got stung.

CC: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Andi: Are you allergic to bees?

CC: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Andi: Calm down, are you allergic?

CC: eh...no actually. It just really hurts.

Andi: OMG GWEN YOU ALSO GOT STUNG

Gwen: Oh. Right.

Andi: OMG ARE YOU ALLERGIC? LET ME RIP OF YOUR SHIRT AND CARE FOR THE STITCHES

Gwen: *hyperventilating*

Andi: OH NO YOU ARE ALLERGIC

Gwen: Nope, it's just you touched me and I'm one step away from an orgasm

CC: Is anybody still thinking about me?

 

*~*a bit later*~*

Gwen: Oh no! You were stung as well! And it's swollen quite a lot! Are you allergic?

Andi: Only a bit. It will pass soon.

Gwen: OH MY GOD. ANDI IS ALLERGIC TO BEES BUT SHE STILL WENT THERE AND SAVED US. SHE TOTALLY RISKED HER LIFE FOR US. ANDI IS SO AWESOME!

 

 

And that, dear reader, was the moment I stopped. I came here because I had been promised a mystery/crime story, not a love-story puked out by a drama-lama. Yes, the book was marked as mystery & romance and it's not the first time I'm reading a crime-story that is very heavy on the romance but the first time I read so far and barely got a hint from the crime/mystery plot (the blurb promises that Andi's Traumatic Past (TM) will catch up with her but if I hadn't been told that I would probably not have guessed it) but only the cheapest and most ridiculous drama-for-the-sake-of-drama love-story clichés.

Thanks but no thanks.

 

ARC from Netgalley, received in exchange for a honest review.